This is a memoir piece I wrote in December, 2023, a year after I had placed Bill into Memory Care. I include this on my blog so that others going through similar events and emotions will know they are not alone.
December 31 - it’s the last day of 2023. It’s been a long year full of stress, life-changing decisions, fears, and tears; however, it’s also been a year filled with new friendships, new adventures, wonderful times with my children, and a taste of freedom.
Bill has been in a care home for over a year now. His physical condition has slightly worsened in that he walks less and spends more time in a wheelchair; however, he’s still fairly healthy for a 75-year-old.
His personality change has been more significant. Mentally, he’s showing signs of advanced dementia. In seconds, he goes from a pliable child to an angry adult. He’ll be coloring with crayons, participating in exercise class, or “dancing” with a nurse; then, in the next minute, he’ll turn angry. These bouts of aggression range from yelling and screaming to getting into physical battles. His latest tirade got him sent to a psych hospital for evaluation after he yanked a nurses’ arm out of socket. These behaviors are so totally out of character for the mild, reserved, service-oriented person I remember and loved.
Dementia, to me, is one of the worse diseases a person can have and one of the worse diseases for caregivers to endure. Watching my spouse go through this disease makes me feel pity, agitation, anger, fear, and despair. I feel powerless, hopeless, and cheated. I could go on and on describing the heart-wrenching feelings this disease brings to caregivers, but it doesn’t change a thing. We must go on.
My feelings fluctuate back and forth, depending on the situations of the day. And the worst part is that there is NO END in sight. There is no cure. There is no easy way to help Bill get through this. And it will, most likely, go on for years and years to come.
I find myself in limbo, somewhere between being a mother, wife, and a widow. How am I supposed to act? When I’m with Bill, I’m his mother (or a caregiver depending on his cognizance). Briefly, he wants his wife for a kiss, but he quickly reverts back to wanting his mother or caregiver. “Get me a coke.” “Did I get my medicine?” “Help me clean my pants.”
When I’m at home, I’m a widow, but without freedom. I still have the desires, wants, and needs of a woman; but, if I go looking for a male companion, I feel like I’m cheating on my husband. My girlfriends are wonderful and help tremendously, but there is a part of me that craves male companionship. Someone to make me feel loved, comforted, and needed. Those desires are risky at this stage of my life. I’m not single. I’m not a widow. I’m somewhere in-between. So to look for a male companion is frowned upon, at least in my mind. My kids tell me it’s ok, but my upbringing and culture tells me no. Will I change in this? Only time will tell. Maybe it’s a good thing I feel this way. It keeps me from getting into relationships that could be dangerous, unhealthy, or hurtful. I’m not sure how to navigate today’s world as a single woman, especially at 73!
So that’s my status at the end of 2023 - waiting to see what life brings in 2024. Will it be more of the same? Or will I successfully learn to function as a mother/wife/widow without disappointing myself? Will I develop even more friendships (male and female), enjoy more new adventures, and still take care of Bill’s needs in a new and better way? I hope so.
I want to grow through this experience a better person; capable of caring for Bill and his needs while loving myself enough to take care of my needs as well. As a flight attendant says before take off, “Put on your own oxygen mask first. You can’t take care of someone else until you take care of yourself first.”
To all you caregivers out there dealing with similar life challenges, I wish you a better 2024.
Take care of yourself first. Make that a priority. Then, trust in your goodness to take care of your spouse in the best way possible. We can do this, together.
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