More complaining . . .

I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about dating. I am so tired of being alone. I've been taking care of my husband since 2008; he's been in care home for 2 years. I just want to have a boyfriend. Is that so wrong? I want to go out and enjoy times with a guy, not just as friends, but as potential partners. But how is that even possible when I'm married? I feel like Heathcliff in Charlotte Bronte's Wuthering Heights! I probably won't do anything about this, but it's fun to pretend I will! At least when I'm done crying about it.

I did get on a dating site, but never did anything with it. Such is the life of a long-time caregiver . . .

Later: I did some analyzing of why I feel this way. Here why:

• I want a partner that I can depend on - someone who will be there when I need them and I can be there for them

• I want someone who I can call mine -we’re a team, a couple

• I want to go out on a date with them and feel good about going out - tell the world I’m going out and not feel awful about it

• I want someone I can call anytime and chat

• I don’t want a live-in arrangement

• I don’t want to remarry

• I may want some affection and to give affection - TBD

After reading my reasons, I see there is no way to fulfill all of them. The truth of the matter is that I'm trapped. I don't resent my husband for this; but I resent societal pressures that make me feel that I cannot do this with a clear conscience. At least at this time of my life. . .