December 17, 2024
As I was walking Oreo this morning, I snapped this picture of the fog blanketing Galveston. One building caught my eye – just barely peeking out of the dense mist surrounding it. The scene reminded me of how I’ve been feeling lately . . . disconnected, adrift, unseen.
I’m not having a great week. I don’t want to go see Bill. I want to forget I'm married. I want to pretend I'm a normal 75-year-old widow trying to live out the rest of my life. But I can't.
My therapist says I'm searching for "connection." And it’s true. Like the building in that photo, my connection to Bill feels severed but not completely. It’s like an electric cord that has been chewed on by rodents. It sparks now and then, but no electricity runs through. I'm desperately searching for a source of "power,” but all I find is emptiness.
Some days, this emotional roller coaster feels unbearable, other days not so much. Today, I’m feeling angry, sad, and guilty, as well as mad at myself and feeling very ungrateful. Eventually, I’ll get over it and act “normal,” whatever that means.
In the meantime, I need to figure out how to get my “power" back, despite the circumstances. Back to my therapist! Until then, I'll sit at my piano. Like David playing for Saul, I’ll play to soothe my restless, tormented soul.
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