My Mother-In-Law, A Memoir of a Unique Friendship

Thinking back to that day in early 1970, I can still feel the knot in my stomach as I prepared to meet the formidable Mrs. Downes, a woman who would leave an indelible mark on my life. A few months before my engagement to her son, Bill, I had been invited to dinner to “meet the parents.” I was extremely intimidated because of the stories I had heard about them.

In the 1930s, Mrs. Downes was a society reporter for the Washington Post. At the same time, Mr. Downes was serving as an aide to President Roosevelt. It was fate that the two would meet in the White House and later marry. Mr. Downes later became a Naval commander of the ship, The Idaho; and, later still, the head of Civil Defense. Even Bill’s grandfather was somebody important. The John R Downes Elementary School in Newark, Delaware, was named in honor of him. These people were way above my social class! I was a simple, country girl whose dad was a farmer and a mom who was a private duty nurse. However, I had been invited to dinner at their home, and there was no getting out of it.

 

As I entered the home, my trepidation increased. Hitchcock chairs, Duncan Phyfe tables, old clocks, Tiffany lamps, and a myriad of other antiques, whose names escape me, were arranged in every nook and corner of the visible rooms. In the dining room, the table was draped in white linen tablecloth. The table was set with Steiff Rose Sterling flatware, Blue Willow plates, sterling silver Paul Revere bowls, and sparkling, cut-glass serving pieces. Rows of antique, porcelain, miniature tea sets lined the plate rail that circled the room like a train track.

After introductions to Robert and Marylyn, I sat down at the table as the smell of prime rib, mashed potatoes, fresh rolls, and asparagus tantalized my appetite. However, I was too nervous to eat. As Robert sliced and served the meat, our conversation went from talk about my college professors to “those people in Southern Delaware.” And, yes, I was from Southern Delaware!

I began to wonder what she would think of me if she saw my make-shift home in Lewes and our “Green Stamp” dishes. What if I said the wrong thing today and sounded like “those people from down south?” Was Bill going to ditch me after this dinner? 

Marylyn’s square jaw marched up and down as she chatted on about her days covering the society news in Washington, D.C. One story I recall vividly is her shock at watching a senator’s wife unapologetically “double dip” her shrimp into the cocktail sauce. "I must make sure I never do that," I thought to myself with a smile.

Her pepper-gray hair, knotted into a tight bun, emphasized her high cheekbones and thick eyebrows. She wore long, colorful beads that hung to her waist, bright-red nail polish, and real gold earrings. I’d heard from my college chums that she volunteers at the college library as a “Shusher.” I remember thinking she seemed to fit that part perfectly!

I cut my meat slowly, taking a bite now and then, contemplating how to contribute to the conversation. Then, glancing around, I noticed the Downes’ had already finished their meal. How had that happened? 

I don’t recall much more about this first meal together; but obviously, it didn’t stop Bill from marrying me. A few weeks later, our engagement was announced, with our wedding to be held on December 26, 1970. Bill went off to Army helicopter school in Forth Wolters, Texas, and would not be home until Christmas. We would marry then and head back to Texas together the next day. 

My mother-in-law was delighted to discover that I had no preferences about the ceremony. She immediately got busy making all the arrangements from getting the church, organizing a small reception, and making a list of those she wanted to attend. Personally, I was glad all I had to do was buy my gown, invite my own people, and show up! My dad had informed me earlier that “he wasn’t going to pay for any more weddings this year.” He had already paid for my brother to marry the year before. So, Mrs. Downes’ natural inclinations to “take charge” was actually a blessing for me. 

The wedding was small, yet perfect. Afterward, Bill and I traveled to Mineral Wells, Texas. A few weeks later, we made our way to Fort Rucker, Alabama, where Bill completed his flight training. Six months later, he departed for Vietnam, while I returned to Delaware to continue my studies at the University of Delaware. 

Now, she could “watch over me” while Bill was away, and she did – with both good and not-so-good outcomes! First, she put a deposit down on an apartment and completely furnished it with items she and Mr. Downes bought at auctions, one of their favorite pastimes. 

I didn’t have to do a thing but move in. After I was settled, I took a job at DuPont Company as a typist. I also re-enrolled at the University of Delaware on a part time basis. When I wasn’t working or going to school, I was out with my friends. This made it hard for my mother-in-law to keep track of me!

Somehow, Mrs. Downes obtained the phone numbers of all my girlfriends. This was before cell phones, so the friendly, five-pound phone book was her best friend. Whenever she couldn’t reach me at home, she would call my friends, one after the other, looking for me. I would finally get notified by one of my friends that "Mrs. D is on the hunt for you!" Eventually, I returned home, called her back, and settled her down. 

I remember one day in particular that ended in not-so-good consequences. I had gone out with a friend in her car, leaving mine at home. Meanwhile, Mrs. Downes was trying to locate me, but none of my other friends knew where I was. Frustrated, Mrs. Downes drove to my apartment to check on me. When she discovered my car out front, but received no answer when she knocked on the door, she was positive that I was lying dead on the apartment floor from exposure to gas fumes. So, what was she to do? What any hysterical MIL would do, of course. She called 911! When I got home, there was the fire department about to enter my apartment. When she saw me, she yelled, “Where the hell have you been?” 

I wasn’t very happy being yelled at, but eventually everything was resolved. The rescue squad went home without breaking down my door, and Mrs. Downes and I parted on friendly terms. But, from then on, I found it best to let her know where I was at all times. It was much easier that way!

My friends often asked me how I could tolerate such an “interfering” mother-in-law. For me, it wasn’t as hard as they imagined. Yes, she could be very annoying, but, at age 60, she was old enough to be my grandmother. To me, she was gift. I now had an older person to care about me, to take me shopping, and to invite me into her life. This was something I never had, as both of my own grandmothers died when I was very young. 

Mrs. Downes took me to antique auctions where I learned how to shop for the best pieces to furnish my new home. She took me to the Faculty Club at the University, where I not only learned some social skills but also how to enjoy fine dining. When I became pregnant, she took me to the finest department store in town and bought me a whole wardrobe of maternity clothes. She shared her family history with me and listened to me for hours as I shared my life story with her. I believe we developed a mutual respect as well as deep friendship.

Did I get mad at her? Yes, many times. Her overprotectiveness and worrying was often “over the top.” But, in the end, it was worth it. I learned so much about life from her and she treated me to experiences I never would have had. We developed a special bond that will forever be one of my most cherished memories.