Numb? Angry?

Today, I feel numb. 

Bill is getting less and less communicative and more and more distressed. Today was almost scary. He doesn't know how to tell us what's wrong. In fact, when asked, he says he's not even sure what is wrong. But he keeps screaming "help me, help me." Eventually, I finally figured out he wanted to lie down. He cannot move himself anymore, so I called the nurse in. She came with two others to help get him into bed. That was a feat! 

The Hoya lift hurts him and in the midst of the transfer he started striking out, hitting one of the nurses twice in the face. He also began cursing which is so unlike him. Then he would say, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." 

He knew what he was doing was wrong but didn't know how to stop himself. I ended up grabbing his hands to keep everyone safe while they finished getting him into bed. They gave him something for pain, and eventually, he settled into sleep. 

I did cry today, more than I wanted to, but I also feel numb. I feel frustrated that I can't alleviate his suffering. Watching him cry out in pain and distress like that makes me angry too. Why can't we do more? Why don't we do more? We treat our animals with more dignity than we do our loved ones. This should not be. I feel so helpless. . . and with no answers.