For instance, I’ve developed an aversion to going into Houston. I didn’t realize it until a friend suggested we visit a museum downtown. The thought set me into a panic, but I didn’t know why.
In the middle of the night, I woke and realized I can’t go anywhere that connects me to Bill’s memory.
I tried to drive through Houston the other day to reach the north side and visit his memorial site. I went the wrong direction. I hit roadblocks. Someone nearly hit me and it began to rain. It was as if the was universe was saying, “Don’t go there right now.” So, I turned around and came home.
Grief has paralyzed me from traveling to Houston.
My cousins wanted to visit me in April – something I’d looked forward to since I moving to Galveston. We began making plans. Then they called to confirm dates before booking travel and I panicked. I couldn’t do it. Why? I’m not sure. It just felt overwhelming. So, I told them not to come.
Grief has paralyzed me from enjoying company from out of town.
When Bill first passed, 90% of my income stopped. I was sure I’d end up on the street. I began looking for a job, cutting expenses, and reading everything I could about saving and investing.
Should I leave my beautiful new apartment? Stay here and get a job? Start a home business? Maybe I should move somewhere cheaper – off the island or even out of state?
Now, almost two months later, I see my finances more clearly. I am financially strong. I have less, yes, but it’s more than enough for my needs. There’s no need to panic. I can stay where I am and enjoy a good life.
And yet I woke in the middle of the night worrying about spending too much money on a Sam’s Club order and how I could return it on my way to see Bill.
Oh, I don’t do that anymore.
Grief has paralyzed me from thinking logically.
They tell me this will gradually pass, and I believe it will. In the meantime, I have a message that pops up on my phone every day, “Don’t make any decisions.”
So that’s what I’m doing—making no big decisions. Taking one day at a time. Waiting for my heart to heal.
That’s what grief is.
