I’ve been wondering why it’s been so hard to deal with the death of my husband when it wasn’t unexpected. I’ve been grieving him for years—so why is it still so hard?
I am moody, unpredictable, callous (using cuss words I don’t usually use), ultra-sensitive, and just plain unbearable to be around. I don’t even like myself.
The only thing I keep coming back to is that I’m missing my person.
Bill has been my person for 55+ years. No matter what happened, he was my person. Now I have no person. For me, no friends, other family members, or pets can take the place of having a person.
This scares me. I wonder if I will try to find a “person” to fill in for Bill—and whether that could be a disaster, depending on how important it feels for me to find one.
And if I don’t find a person, am I going to be alright? Will I always be this grumpy person I’ve become—someone who wants nothing to do with anyone right now? (It’s going to be hard to find “my new person” as long as I’m grumpy! LOL.)
So that’s where I am right now.
A friend gave me a book called Grief, Day by Day by Jan Warner.
It’s a daily reading about grief, and I see myself in it in many places. So maybe I’m not so unusual. It’s just unusual for me.
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