Processing . . .

I want to share a few words about the election as a way to process it myself, and, perhaps, encourage you as well.

First, no, I don’t feel last night’s outcome was best for America. But, as Democrats we believe in the principles of democracy, and the democratic process has spoken. Our candidate did not win. 

Second, I believe the results were, to a large extent, influenced by religious votes. Having once been part of a far-right religious group, I understand the elation they might be feeling this morning. I would have been shouting “Hallelujah” and believing that “God” was finally pleased with us. Our country was now on its way to being “healed,” abortion will end, “God” would return to schools, “family values” would flourish, Jerusalem would be permanently established as the Jewish homeland, prosperity would rain down on the “righteous,” and the “righteous” were all on a path to mansions in the sky. This was the vision we had been fighting for. 

Those motivated by money joined forces with those who were driven by spiritual reasons, sealing the election outcome. In the next four years, we will begin to see the results of this alliance; and, I don't believe it will be good for many people.

I do believe, though, that many of these people felt they were doing the right thing. I also believe, that over the next few years, they will begin to see the consequences of this path. And many, as I did, will exit these far right churches, feeling disillusioned, lost, and a need for forgiveness. 

These people could be some of our best allies the future. I hope you will welcome them (as you did me); and, together, we will begin to “make American KIND again.”

I’m going to have my morning coffee, “dust myself off,” and look for ways I can be kind, right now, in my own neighborhood. It’s not over. . . it’s just beginning. Now is the time for us to show the world what kindness truly is. 

Great News!

 

Wallowing . . .

Why is it that I can keep myself so busy, yet feel so profoundly lonely? My therapist encouraged me today, "Stay busy. Do things for yourself. Live your life." And I do, but there's still this hollow ache inside, a nagging voice that whispers, “You’re all by yourself. You have no one. You’re lonely.” 

Am I wallowing in self-pity? It definitely appears that way, at times. After all, I have so much to be thankful for that other caregivers do not. I have children who care about me, a network of wonderful friends who encourage me, and the luxury of time to care for myself; to keep myself healthy, physically fit, and mentally alert. Financially, I’m comfortable. There’s no bill collector at my door. I have everything I need and more. And my every waking hour isn’t devoted to my husband’s needs. Someone else is taking care of him. I only get to do the “fun” stuff. Yet, whenever I come home at the end of the day, after a whirlwind of activity, I feel this unmistakable slump.

 

My home greets me with silence; the kind of silence that presses down like an iron pillow. Suffocating the "light" out of me. There are no sounds echoing between my four walls, but my own voice as I catch myself talking to Oreo, or even to myself, hoping to fill the empty space. The only footsteps I hear are mine, as I wander from room to room, listening to the tap, tap, tap of my steps on the white pine floor. Perhaps if I walk long enough, I'll convince myself I’m not alone.

 

I wish I could explain these feelings, even to myself. It doesn’t make sense, especially after a full day. I’ve been to breakfast with friends, spent time writing with friends, and even laughed with friends over a game of pinocle. I came home, took Oreo over to the park for a long, brisk walk, and snacked on sharp cheese and fresh grapes. Good friends, good food, and good exercise. What could be missing?

It's been nearly two years since Bill moved into a care home, and "Father Time" continues to tick by, both quickly and slowly, all at once. But the feeling of loneliness lingers on. It’s like I’m waiting . . . but waiting for what? Am I waiting for news that he’s improved? That’s unrealistic. Am I waiting to hear that he’s had a good day? That’s always good news. Or am I waiting to hear that’s he’s declined and only has a short time left? Could I be so callous that I’m willing to rush the inevitable just so I can move on. The thought definitely lurks in the background of my mind, if I’m honest. And that makes me feel terrible.

 

This cycle of emotions I ride every day is exhausting. It’s like an elevator ride from the basement to the 105^thfloor, then back down again, over and over. Mostly I live somewhere in between, but the ups and downs wear me out. I’m so tired of it all. I want it to end. I want the lonely to go away. . . 

 

I shake myself off, tell myself to “put on my big girl panties,” and keep plugging away. "I do have a good life. I’m not really lonely. It's only in my head," I tell myself. "I can do this, can’t I?" 

My rational mind answers, "Yes, you can, because you have no choice. . .  That's the harsh reality of this disease called, Dementia."

Fun with My Rebel Friends at Shelly's Parade Event

Today was an absolutely blast! Shelly made her debut in her very first Galveston parade with her decked-out Jeep, and she asked me to take some photos. So, I put out a call on Facebook, asking for a few friends to join me. Carol, Bev, and Susan were up for it; and, wow, did we have fun! 

 

The day started bright and early with everyone meeting at my place at 8 a.m. so they could tour my new space. From there, we headed over to Galveston Bagel for breakfast. Our next stop was the Library, where we explored their museum and got to chat with some Navy Lieutenants giving a “show and tell” on the Constitution and oceanographic equipment. They even handed out goodies, including this clever little pen that doubles as a screwdriver and level! Super geeky! 

Afterward, we made our way to where Shelly and her friends, Larry and Colleen, were lining up for the parade. We snapped some photos of them prepping for the parade. 

 

Here you can see the new grill Shelly installed that look like teeth! 

We then stopped and chatting with some of the other parade participants, including this group of dancers.

Then, with an hour until the parade kicked off, we decided to go shopping. In and out of stores we went, all along Strand Street, most of which I had never been in before. I bought some jewelry and a mug. Then we sat and chatted while we waited for the parade to get to us. Shelly's jeep stole the show, of course! 

(Sorry for the dropped video in middle - I don't know how to edit!)

When the parade wrapped up, we resumed our shopping spree—but not before stopping by LaKing’s for ice cream, which we all agreed was lunch! We wrapped up our day around 3 p.m.

 

I loved getting to know these gals better! I'd known them from UU, but we’d never just hung out. Spending time with them today was a revelation—Susan, Bev, and Carol have a serious streak of adventure (and a touch of rebellion!). They even “encouraged” me to jaywalk and pull a U-turn right in the middle of the street! But, turns out, even these strong Texas women have their limits. They refused to let me make a left on Holiday Drive at a red light when I hadn’t noticed the green light was only for going straight! 😂

 

I can’t wait to see what kind of mischief we get into next!

Visit to Houston - A Good One

I missed visiting Bill last week because of the move, so I was anxious to get up to Houston to see him. My goal this visit was to take him to Fall Festival as his "escape out of the building," but I got the wrong time, again! Instead, I took him outside for a walk, got him a coke, and watched him do his exercises. Today's exercises were a bit different than I've seen before. He seems to enjoy doing them, and it keeps him moving some.

This is a kick the ball exercise.

This exercise involves throwing the ball at the paddle.

Physically, he's getting much weaker, especially in his lower extremities. In fact, they are getting him some kind of lift for getting in and out of bed, bathing, and toileting. He's a big man and trying to get him up and down is impossible for most people. It makes me sad he cannot walk anymore, especially as it indicates that he is most likely progressing towards another stage of the disease.

Bill's mood was good, which does make me happy. He has fully adjusted to being there, but he's still glad to see me when I come. And he still knows who I am! However, he is very confused about most everything else. Today, he told his lunch table mate that he has been at "this place" (the VA care home) for two months! In fact, it's been almost two years. I'm glad he thinks it's only two months. He apparently has no concept of time, which makes me feel better when I don't get up to see him as often as I would like. 

After asking about the kids and Oreo, he asked about our "other daughter." When I acted confused, he explained that she's the one we got since he has been in the care home. I have no idea who he is talking about, but my guess is that someone there seems like a daughter to him. So I now have another daughter! I'll have to find out who she is! '

The other thing he said that is mind boggling is that he believes we "won" this "vacation" in a lottery or contest of some kind. He even asked me, "Would you do this again?" I said no and he agreed. But he's determined to finish it out. The food is not so good anymore, he says. I actually thought it was better today. He's beginning to lose some of his taste buds, and the only thing he really likes to eat now is ice cream and sweets. 

All in all, it was a good day. I came home content that he was happy and being cared for. What more could I ask?

At the End Zone!

All the major areas of my apartment now look presentable. Today, I finished the craft room, or at least as much as I can for now. I still need to finish organizing everything, but I'll need to wait on that. 

The only big hurdles left are the closets. They are a disaster! Everything I couldn't figure out what to do with is in there, just piled on top of everything else. I'll get to that next week. 

Also today, Shelly helped me get the remainder of the unwanted items out of my old apartment. Now all I have to do is get it cleaned, hand in the keys, and pay my final bill. Then no more LONG RIDES to the west end! LOL! 

Tomorrow, I'm doing nothing on my apartment. I'm going to take a break from that stuff and visit Bill. They're having a Fall Festival so he'll enjoy that. 

Day 2-7 of my Move . . .

It's been a few days since my last post for good reason. It has been a whirlwind of moving furniture, getting utilities set up, unpacking boxes, and trying to figure out where everything belongs. But, today, I'm mostly settled in my new apartment. The bedroom, kitchen, and living room are livable and mostly decorated. The rest of the place - the 2nd bedroom and closets, not so much!

 

The move itself went smoothly, if not a bit long. Oreo was not happy and was glad when it was over. I have to do a shoutout to Manuel's Moving. They are excellent. Nothing broken. Friendly. And they give you a firm price. No second guessing at the end. I highly recommend them. 

Oreo, "Are we done, yet?"

On this end, it's still a bit chaotic. Only one wing of the complex is open, so there’s construction everywhere. That's why I got three months at 1/2 rent! From my patio, I can see the progress as they plant trees and flowers, install outdoor kitchens, lights, and other décor. Even though the courtyard is a work in progress, it’s already beautiful! In fact, my favorite part of the day is early morning, before the sun comes up. I sit outside on my patio with Oreo in her bed and a cup of coffee in hand, watching the palm trees sway and the lights twinkle over the pickleball court. 

Once the pickleball playing starts, the noises will change, especially with the courtyard being surrounded by walls! But it will be happy sounds, and they have to quit at 10 p.m. Hopefully, I will do as I did when I first moved into the University of Delaware. My dorm was next to a railroad track. I woke up the first night and never heard it since. 

 

Speaking of sounds, my piano has never sounded better. The high ceilings in these apartments - maybe 9 or 10 feet - give it incredible acoustics! Plus, I’m near the cruise line terminal; so, occasionally, I hear the cheerful horn of a docked ship. The wind chimes on my patio add their own special melodies, making this space feel like a personal retreat. On Friday, I bought a dining set and two rockers for the patio, so I could not only "rock" with a guest, but also enjoy meals with friends outside. Finally, I can do some entertaining again!

Oreo is thrilled with the extra space! I’ve upgraded from 725 square feet to 1200, so she has plenty of room to run around and chase her ball. She’s also a fan of the park next door, which is teaming with squirrels. Now, she can do her “big game hunting” again, something she wasn't able to do where we were before. 

           

  

Another thing I love about my new place is driving up to the third floor of the parking garage. From there, I have a perfect view of the Galveston Channel, with ships sailing in and out, and plenty of sea birds soaring by, looking for their latest meal. 

I wish Bill could share in the beauty of this place, but sadly, that’s no longer possible. It’s a bittersweet reminder as I settle in. However, for the first time since we left our home in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, back in 2017, I’m finally beginning to feel like I’m home again. It’s been a long road, but life is finally getting back to a new kind of "normal."